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<title>if this is love please don't break me (I'm giving up so just catch me) by Underthegallowws</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25384597">if this is love please don't break me (I'm giving up so just catch me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Underthegallowws/pseuds/Underthegallowws'>Underthegallowws</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teen Wolf (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Liam writes in a journal, M/M, Mutual Pining, Theo finds the journal, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:55:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25384597</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Underthegallowws/pseuds/Underthegallowws</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t want to pry. Honestly, the idea that this is Liam’s personal journal does not come into his mind. It’s only when he opens it, looking at the first page of the werewolf scribbled notes, with the date at the top, that he understands he should not be reading it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>158</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if this is love please don't break me (I'm giving up so just catch me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Theo did not know Liam would not be home when he came to his house. Seriously, he never thought about going to his room alone. And he can swear on everything he has - which is not much - that he was not looking for a journal or anything.</p><p> </p><p>But Liam left in a hurry, and there is a small notebook on his bed, with a black pen. He has never seen the notebook before, which is weird, because Theo spends a lot of time there, doing his homework, planning supernatural things, and playing video games.</p><p> </p><p>In that order.</p><p> </p><p>The notebook is small, with a brown leather cover. But what makes it so special, and so interesting, is its smell. Theo is good at reading chemosignals. He was trained for this. And it’s the first time he can actually smell emotions coming from an object.</p><p> </p><p>It mostly smells like Liam, which is very clear to Theo, but there is more to it. He stares at the small object, trying to decipher the mix of things coming from it. He walks slowly, trying to identify what kind of magic is behind this. Maybe it’s dangerous. He has watched the Harry Potter movies with Liam, Mason, Corey and Nolan, and he knows that you should not trust magical notebooks.</p><p> </p><p>But there is no magic in the air, nothing stinging like the fairies did, or the coven. It’s mainly human, like someone just spent a lot of time pouring their emotions into the pages.</p><p> </p><p>He is in front of the bed before he knows it, and his hand reaches for the note book. He almost expects an electric wave, or something, but the leather is soft, like it has been opened and closed a lot of times.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t want to pry. Honestly, the idea that this is Liam’s personal journal does not come into his mind. It’s only when he opens it, looking at the first page of the werewolf's scribbled notes, with the date at the top, that he understands he should not be reading it.</p><p> </p><p>Theo immediately closes it, and takes a few steps back. He should leave.</p><p> </p><p>But the notebook is there, so close, and curiosity is growing into his guts.</p><p> </p><p>He looks at the window, making sure no one is coming. He feels almost guilty for what he is about to do. But there is a part of Liam that is still guarded, and maybe, just maybe, the answer is right in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>So, with a deep breath, he sits on the bed, and opens the notebook again.</p><p> </p><p>The first entry is from three years ago.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I don’t even know why I am doing this. Dr Peskard said I should. Like writing whatever I feel is going to help me with my anger. Screw the guy. I don’t want to write !!</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo smiles, because he can almost see a younger Liam lying on the bed, writing these words with a stubborn face. He knows Liam stubborn face by heart, now.</p><p> </p><p>He turns the page to the next entry.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I don’t know what I am supposed to write about. I hate school. I hate my life. I just want to be stronger. Better. But I am not and writing it is not going to help !!!!!!</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There are lots of exclamation mark on the page, and Theo doesn’t read the rest, but turns a few pages, taken over by the idea of seing Liam’s life unfold in scratched writing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Today was a bad day. I almost punched Fred when he made fun of me. I know people makes fun of their friends all the time. Why can’t I take it ? I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT !</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Without meaning to, Theo can empathize with fifteen year-old Liam. He knows about the IED. He knows that things didn’t exactly go well in his first high-school. It must have been hard, at that time.</p><p> </p><p>He turns a few pages, and remarks that Liam sometimes spends days without writing. Sometimes, there is just a date. Sometimes he just writes that he hates writing. The words are almost engraved in the page, like he pressed the pen too hard again the white paper.</p><p> </p><p>Then, suddenly, there is a whole paragraph.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I messed up big time. I am so sorry. But I can’t tell them how sorry I am because I’m still angry. They say I can switch schools, but how is it going to help ? Why am I still writing in this ? It hasn’t helped at all !! I FUCKING MESSED UP ! Why am I different ? Why can’t I be normal ? I don’t want to go back to school, even the new school, because I’ll mess up again and again and again ! I’m a fucking monster !!</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There is a small smudge at the end of the page, and it smells salty. Liam was probably crying at that time. The whole page smells so painful that Theo just turns has to turn the page. Liam had tried to write everyday, at that time, but he has always stopped after a few words. The anger is everywhere, and Theo wants for it to be over.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a few weeks later that Liam writes something hopeful for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Mason is really cool. He is nice to me, even if I don’t speak a lot. He is smart and he tries to help me. Beacon Hills is different. I want to become a good friend. I have started new meds. They are not really helping but I’m trying.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>There are pages and pages of days and weeks, Liam talking about school, and about punching Hayden in the face the day of the school picture. He doesn’t seem sorry about it, just sad that the picture his parents will see will be of him with a black eye. Theo smiles sadly at that.</p><p> </p><p>He looks for the date of Liam’s bite, trying to find the correct page. There is only one small paragraph around that time.</p><p><br/>
<em>
    <strong>Something happened. I can’t write it because what if someone finds this ? But I’m scared. And angry. The meds won’t help anymore.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t write for a long time after that. It’s probably during the whole Dread Doctors period, and The Beast thing. Maybe he didn’t have time. Maybe he didn’t want to.</p><p> </p><p>But then, there is a new date, and Liam’s writing is a little more clear, like he took the time to form the letter under Theo’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I think I’m in love with Hayden.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo does not read the rest. He doesn’t want to intrude on what has probably been Liam’s first love. He doesn’t want to read about the kisses, or anything they did. So, he leaves a few pages unread, and try to look for something more recent. Suddenly, his name appears and he has to read the little text.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Hayden is leaving. It’s messing with me again. I think she was my anchor. What am I supposed to do ? For once in my life I had control. I don’t want to lose control ever again. I punched Theo in the face last week. What if I get angry around my mom ?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Liam seems to write more often, around that time. He writes how school is hell, he writes how scared he is, not for himself, but for the people around him.</p><p> </p><p>Theo’s name appears here and there. There is a mention of them going to the zoo.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I chose the zoo because I knew exactly how to navigate it. And I chose Theo because I know he is the only one who is not going to take my shit. I almost killed Nolan. Theo had to take me out. Maybe they are right. Maybe I’m too dangerous. Theo says you can only have one emotion at a time. Maybe that’s why I am so angry these days. Or maybe he is wrong, or trying to manipulate me again. I hope not. I don’t need this.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The next entry is about the night when everything happened.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>We survived. I don’t know how we did it but we survived. I should probably feel relieved, but I still feel like anytime, someone is going to come for me. I only feel at ease with the pack. What am I going to do when Scott leaves ?? I can’t protect this town alone. I’m not ready for this.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The next weeks, Liam writes about people leaving. And then, his name again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>So it’s just us now. Mason, Corey, and Theo. And me. We are probably the weirder pack of misfits ever. Peter is still around. He promised to keep an eye on us. We are going back to school. I don’t know how I am gonna deal with seing the people who wanted to murder me again.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo swipes through a few pages, suddenly hungry for more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Things are okay. I haven’t been very angry these last few days. I’m calmer when I’m around my friends. It’s like they are part of the pack or something. Even Theo kind of grounds me.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Another date, another mess of sentences.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I don’t know why I keep writing in this thing. It’s not like I need it anymore.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Don’t stop writing, please, Liam." Theo groans. He wants to know how this story ends.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Life is almost normal these days. I mean, apart from some supernatural things that tend to happen in BH. We go to school, I go to Lacrosse practice, and Theo brings me back home so we can do homework. I’m getting better grades. Mom and Dad are happy. I’ll never be as smart as Mason but at least I have passed the 3.5 GPA. Mom wants to organize a big dinner to celebrate. With all my friends. I am pretty sure Theo will say no but she made me promise to ask.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Oh, he remembers that dinner. And Liam’s next page is all about it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>So, we had that dinner. It was… Eventful. Mom drank a little bit too much wine and she wanted to see Corey and Theo’s powers. Corey was happy to show her, but not Theo. It was weird. He was kind of ashamed. I don’t get it.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo starts turning the pages more rapidly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Theo is weird these days. He still comes to my house and everything, but it’s like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I don’t know how to talk to him about it. What if he’s thinking about leaving BH ? What if he wants to go to Scott ? I don’t know how I’d feel about that.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Next.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Theo’s got hurt today. It was awful. So much blood. I tried taking his pain but he pushed me away. I am starting to think he has a martyr complex.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo has to laugh at that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I am supposed to be studying. I’m hiding this notebook in my maths school book. I am just thinking about life, and everything. Theo is on the floor trying to get his spanish essay right. It feels good, almost normal. I never thought I’d have normal. I don’t want anything to change.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Next page.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I don’t know who to talk to about this. I mean, I could go to Mason but I don’t want him to have to lie to Theo or anything, because the sucker would find out. It’s just… I like it when he is around. And I miss him when he’s not. But not the way I miss Mason.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> <br/>
</span></em>
  </strong>
  <strong>
    <em>Last week, Theo feel asleep on my bed. We slept next to each other. It felt right. I don’t know if it’s pack, or something supernatural… I don’t get what is happening to me.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo turns the pages a little bit harder.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Theo hasn’t been here for three days. I wonder what he does. Maybe he is seing someone. I thought he would tell me. I mean, we are friends, right ?! It’s weird, but I don’t want anyone to mess with the normal I have now.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Next page.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Theo is back ! I’m happy. He is still a pain in the ass, and he won’t stop pestering me about finals but he comes to my Lacrosse practices again. I wish we could stay this way forever.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Oh, Liam.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I am hiding the notebook in my Maths book again. Theo is on the floor, and I can’t stop looking at him. He has changed. I think he is softer. Not that I am going to tell him, he would kick my ass.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>He is more open these days. I like it. He behaves like a normal teenager. It’s kind of funny. I know he’ll always have my back. I don’t feel so angry anymore, and when I do, he just says something and everything</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Liam had not finished that sentence. In fact, the next entry is only a week later.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>This is so messed up.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Then, two weeks go by, without any words. And then…</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Is it possible to fall in love silently ? I mean, I thought that love was violent. Like a punch in the face. I don’t remember falling in love. I just know I can’t live without him anymore. Is it love ?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The next day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>This can’t be. I must be missing my pack. That’s the only reason why… I mean, I can’t be.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>And again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I am <span class="u">so</span> <span class="u">not</span> in love with Theo.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>The very next day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Okay, so I might be a little bit in love with Theo.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Another page.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>The more time passes, the more I’m afraid he’ll leave. I try to keep him here, with me, as much as I can, but he always ends up leaving. Sometimes, he smiles, and I just want to hug him. I want to take care of him. I want to be there for him. Am I losing my mind ?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>" Gosh, Liam."</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>He has no idea the way he looks. The way other people look at him.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo feels his cheeks burning. It’s almost like he is intruding now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>When did this notebook became my journal ? I don’t know. I just need to put words on what I feel and I can’t talk to anyone. Theo is here again. He is helping my mom in the kitchen. He is staying for supper. I still feel like a bad word, or a breath not controlled would chase him away.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo feels his throat tighten.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Please, Theo. Stay. See through me. I don’t know how you cannot see it. You must know. And you probably find me pathetic. </em>
  </strong><br/>
<strong>
    <em>Still, you are here.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Liam writes everyday at that point.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I think Mason knows. I mean, I think everyone knows. Except Theo. Or maybe he does. I am losing my mind.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Theo is almost surprised to see that he is almost at the end. The date written on the next page is yesterday.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I don’t know what to do anymore. I am tired of pretending. I just want all of him. I can’t move on, I’ve tried; but it doesn’t feel right. He is under my skin. I need him.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>My heart fucking breaks every time he leaves, or when he feels bad about the past. I want to tell him that whatever we went through, I don’t care. He is not a bad person anymore. I couldn’t fall in love with someone who is bad. I want him. And I want him to want me.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>There are no more words in the journal.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Just empty pages to fill in the future.</span></p><p>So, Theo takes a deep breath.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Closing the notebook, and trying to come back to reality. It's a lot. Maybe too much. </span></p><p>
  <span class="Apple-converted-space">But he feels like he finally gets it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Liam comes back, he is a little surprise to smell Theo in the room. Obviously, the chimera is not there anymore. But he clearly spent some time here.</p><p> </p><p>And then, his eyes end up on the notebook and he can feel his heart stop.</p><p> </p><p>« No. No no no. »</p><p> </p><p>What if Theo has seen it ?</p><p> </p><p>What if he had read it ?</p><p> </p><p>« Fucking hell ! »</p><p> </p><p>Liam takes the little notebook, and, without a doubt, he can smell that Theo has taken it in its hands. He feels his cheeks burning up. This is his worst nightmare.</p><p> </p><p>But the notebook opens with the date of… Today ?</p><p> </p><p>And it’s not his writing. The words are elegant on the page. And there is a whole paragraph written by Theo, which he immediately knows because he knows the chimera’s scribbles by heart.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Dear Liam,</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>You’re in love with a dumbass. Clearly.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="Apple-converted-space">This guy is not someone you should be in love with. I don't know what you see in him. You could do way better.</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>But if you have to know... he loves you too. He has, for a long time. He has been pining like a struck bird for months, thinking that he will never have a chance with you. Looking at you. Staring when you don't see. Wishing for so much more when you are around, and dreaming about a future when he's alone.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>He wants you.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>All of you, with your history, and your fights, your anger and your love. You, your smile, your heart, everything. All of you.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>If you are really ready to have all of him, he is yours for the taking.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Sincerely,</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Theo.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Ps. I’ll be running in the Preserve. Try to catch me, love.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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